


Holier Than Thou

by scowlofjustice



Category: Megamind (2010)
Genre: Dubious Science, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 16:32:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12062838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scowlofjustice/pseuds/scowlofjustice
Summary: Megamind is on a string of cheese-related discoveries which threaten to end the very existence of Metro Man.  Not really.





	Holier Than Thou

“This is the closest I’ve gotten!”  shouted Megamind, trying to leap over several crates of Kraft Mac ‘N Cheese, but toppling them all.  “The greatest mysteries of the universe!  Finally solved!  By me.”

 

He snatched from a workbench an etch-a-sketch that had on it a detailed rendering of the Taj Mahal.  “As you know, Minion, I’ve been working tirelessly on The Swiss Cheese Paradox,” Megamind panted, shaking the device and then twisting the knobs furiously to outline some calculations.  

 

“It goes like this:

 

The more Swiss Cheese you have, the more holes you have.

The more holes you have, the less Swiss Cheese you have.  

 

Therefore…!

 

The more Swiss Cheese you have, the  _ less _ Swiss Cheese you have.”

 

“That sounds like a load of baloney,” said Minion, not glancing up from one of the security monitors, on which he had been watching reruns of  _ Property Brothers  _ on HGTV.

 

“I thought so too,” said Megamind, “but that was before I understood String Cheese Theory.  Where could all that hidden mass of Swiss Cheese be?  In hidden Hot-Pocket dimensions inaccessible to Science?  Or is it in a volatile tug-of-war between existence and non-existence?  If left unobserved, does Swiss Cheese exist at all?”

 

Minion sighed.  “And are there any practical applications to this?”  

 

“Why thank you for the convenient seg-ewe!  I have many nefarious uses for Cheese Theory.”  Megamind leapt onto the security command console and tugged down a projection screen, much to Minion’s annoyance.  A brainbot whirred behind them and shot an image onto the screen of Metro Man walking out of Metro Deli holding a submarine sandwich.

 

“You’ll see, upon close inspection, that Metro Man is a devotee of Swiss Cheese.  Could it be the secret to his power?  But by what means does he harvest the atomic power of Swiss Cheese, which apparently no one else can?  Or—more importantly, does  _ Metro Man  _ even exist?  Perhaps if we used Science to convince him that he does not, then the mere suggestion implanted in his mind would cause him to... _ cease to be! _  And then Metrocity would be mine and you know the rest.”

 

-=-=-=-

 

It was September, which meant that due to a cordial agreement, heroism and villainy had taken the month off.  The forces of good and evil needed a break.  What people didn’t think about was the fact that good and evil also needed some time to write up new witty banter and to think up grand entrances.

 

The force of good, AKA Steve Scott, was sipping a strawberry milkshake in the Metro All-Night Diner on the corner of Metro Street and Metro ave.  It was September 30th.  It was 11:53 PM. 

He had grown out his beard.  His hair was tossed about and devoid of any product.  As a result, he was perfectly undercover and no one recognized him.  

 

The door slammed open.  It was an accomplishment to slam a door  _ open _ , but somehow Megamind was an expert at it.  Nobody noticed that The Supreme Evil had walked in, and that was because he was wearing cool shades.  

 

Megamind sat across from Steve and slapped a briefcase onto the table.  Steve’s milkshake rattled and Steve narrowed his eyes.  He didn’t need X-Ray vision to tell that it was Megamind beneath those shades.  

 

Megamind unlatched the briefcase and fished out several papers onto which improbable logic and doodles of cheese predominated.  He handed the pile to Steve.  “Read it and weep,” he said.  

 

Steve took it and read, muttering to himself.  “Holes in the fabric of space-time and cheesecloth… a parmesan accelerator beneath Metro City… I was seen consuming Swiss Cheese at 11:38 AM Wednesday morning… Non-existence confirmed.”  

 

Beneath his superfluous sunglasses, Megamind was somewhat able to look cool and collected.  He was really brimming with anticipation, looking Steve up and down as though the very atoms of his form would unravel at any moment.  Instead, Steve only grinned lopsidedly and put down the paper.  “You have peered into the depths of existence,” he mused.  “But you are not the only one.  Notice the people walking by, even at this late hour.  Think of the people you meet on the street—here one moment, gone the next.  Have you ever thought of how you can see a person once, and then they dissolve from your life?  What kind of lives do they lead?  What kind of world to they live in?  What gives them pain?  And what gives them the power to continue despite it?  

 

“We each live in a dream-world of our own making.  And one person’s world is vastly different than another’s.  So what is this space we all seem to occupy?  Who needs cheese to contemplate the unreality of reality?”  

 

“Well if you don’t appreciate my Science,” Megamind fumed, “then maybe you’ll appreciate my  _ Evil.”   _ He snatched the papers from Steve’s hand so swiftly even super-speed could not have stopped it.  Megamind glanced at his watch and tapped his foot.  “Ugh!  It’s 11:58!  I can’t even be Evil yet!  I’ll see you  _ tomorrow. _ ”  He pointed a finger into Metro Man’s face, picked up his briefcase, and stormed out of the Diner.  “Mr.  Goody Two-Shoes and his holier than thou attitude,” he grumbled.  


End file.
